Hi Hayley! I really like your introduction story. Having your introduction focus on establishing the personality of both the storyteller and his audience is a good way to go about establishing the tone for the rest of your story, because those two characters will have the most influence over the story, in the way the storyteller decides to go about telling the story and whether the person listening will interrupt or ask questions that guide the storyteller. I'm curious to see if you're going to have the hill actually be a dragon. You mention it shifting as if it's breathing, which I read as foreshadowing of a literal dragon in the hill waking up, but it's possible I've just read too many fantasy novels. I look forward to seeing how you'll develop this story.
Hello, I loved your introduction to your storybook! I like how you introduced the connection of the characters, and build an image with the words. As I was reading, I was pictured the scene you described. I also loved how you set the stage for the rest of your tales. Overall great writing. I'm eager to read the rest of your stories!
Hi Haley. Your introduction is great, and your ideas for storybook sound really cool. I love that you began your introduction with Violet and Will and included the dialogue between the two characters. I really like the idea of a story within a story, so I am interested to read the story of the dragon that Will is going to tell Violet.
I am curious, did Will intentionally take Violet to this place for their picnic, and how did Will know that this was the same hill and the same tree that his uncle had told him stories about? How does he know that he picked the right hill and the right tree? Was the tree the only one standing on the hill or were there similar trees beside it? Maybe consider adding a few specific, small details about the scenery around Violent and Will. This could help the reader understand why they chose to have the picnic there. It might be helpful for creating a clear picture and idea of the setting as the audience begins to read the intro to your story.
Hi Haley! I loved your introduction to your storybook, great work! I really liked how you started with the main characters and their descriptions. I can already imagine Will and Vi on talking on the hill. I am curious though, how did Will know this hill was once a dragon and the story behind it? Did he take violet there intentionally or did he stumble upon it and remembered the story his uncle told him? Was this tree in a forest or out in the middle of a clearing? Adding this information in could pain a better picture for the reader and leave them with fewer questions! Also, i wonder if the hill only moved when Will and Vi were sitting on it or if it was always moving but they were unaware of it. Also, is the tree symbolic of anything in particular, maybe growth or new life? It does seem odd a tree was planted on top of a still breathing dragon. What if you explained the background or significance of the tree. If there isn't one, possibly adding one will add an interesting layer to the story.
Hi Haley, Great start to the storybook. I like that the introduction is rooted in relatable characters. I haven't read the original story, so I'm left in suspense as to how the knight and dragon wound up as the tree and hill. I like that you gave personalities and descriptions of Will and Violet, and I think you could add more to that description. Beyond hair color I didn't have a solid mental picture of the two. That's something that could also be cool in the meat of the story; you have a great opportunity to give the knight, dragon, etc. really fleshed out personalities. On the note about Vi and Will, I really hope we get to see more of them in the rest of your storybook, maybe as they interject their thoughts or as Vi asks questions. I'm really looking forward to this one and thought you had a really creative way of kicking it off.
Hey Haley! I loved your introduction a lot! It drew me in immediately because of all the dialogue between Will and Violet. I also liked the ending sentences, because it set the tone for the rest of the stories you will be creating. By having Violet start to believe in Will's story at the end of the introduction, it provides a good basis for the next story. I'm curious about how you introduce the next story and if you will have the dragon come back to life or make some sort of sign that it is alive. I was thinking of the Hobbit when I was reading this, when the dwarves went to take the kingdom back and the dragon woke up. I was also wondering if you were going to describe the backstory of how Will and Violet know each other, what their personalities are like, etc. Either way, the story will be great! :)
Making the introduction a story of its own is interesting. It adds an element to the entire tale, being a story nested within another. I'm interested to see if you do more with Will and Violet, or if you're just using them to introduce the story. I think either option can work well.
I am curious about how you intend to retell the story about the Bisterne Dragon - will your entire project be a part of a single overarching tale, or do you intend to split off into other stories using Will and Violet as the vehicle for the transition? It definitely sounds like you intend to do the former, which makes me interested to see what you do. Telling a single story through multiple 'chapters', per se, has its own ups and downs. There's the benefit of having more room to expand upon details and tell a more complete story, but it also requires you to have defined points where you cut off one part of the story and begin the next. I look forward to seeing how you tell this tale!
Hello there Hayley. I just wanted to say that I really liked how you did your introduction. It was immediately interesting and I found myself drawn in to the story right off the bat. I hadn't read the original story yours was based off of, so I'm still wondering how everything got to how it started in the story. Adding this information in could pain a better picture for the reader and leave them with fewer questions! Also, i wonder if the hill only moved when Will and Vi were sitting on it or if it was always moving but they were unaware of it. Overall great writing. I'm eager to read the rest of your stories!
Holy crow Haley! I am so excited to keep reading this! This is the first storybook I have seen, so far, that has actual dialogue in its introduction. I love that the story is going to be told through another character as well. A story that is telling a story. Like in the Princess Bride when the grandfather is reading to the sick kid. Also, I just generally love English myths and folklore. I haven't read the original of this story, but now I am eager to. This introduction also gives off such an airy and clean vibe. The spring... the light wind.. the fact that they are laying on a blanket on a hill, enjoying a picnic. Its just nice overall! The setting is awesome. I really can't wait to see the dynamics between Will and Violet as well, while he is telling her this story. Great work, Haley. I will be following this story.
Hi Haley! You have a big strength in using imagery in your writing. I could picture the looks on the character's faces and the setting, which is very difficult to do as a writer. Like someone above said, I loved that you utilized dialogue right away. This made me really intrigued in the character's thoughts, which is important. I hadn't read the original story before reading yours, so a more detailed author's note could be one way of improving the story. Are all of your stories going to be similar to this one? If so, you could add an ending transition sentence that prefaces the next story. And if not, then a foreshadowing to the next story could be fun for readers to follow. On my storybook, I included an author's preface on the home page, which explained my motives in the story so that people wouldn't ask what I'm asking you right now! That could be an idea, so that comments are more useful for you. Overall, great work!
Hi Haley! I really like the picture you have as your banner. I have always liked big trees with branches going everywhere and with moss growing all over it. The introduction really sets a tone for how the story is going to be told. Changing the story from first person to third person is something I have grown to like throughout this class. It brings in a new perspective that was not there to begin with. The introduction drew me in almost immediately and made me want to read more. I am really looking forward to reading your first story when it comes out! The flirty interactions between the two characters really tells how this story is going to go. I think that Will will be trying to impress Vi while telling the story and be adding extra details to get her engrossed into the story. I am excited to see how you change up the first story.
Reading the second installment of your project was quite a treat! I came back because I needed to see where you were going to go with your story next, and I am liking it so far. I appreciate your use of section cuts. When you were telling the story of the villagers and then pulled it back out to Will and Vi talking with each other, it gave me a chance to be like "Oh yeah! This story is being told by Will." Because the story is interesting, it was easy to forget that. That is a good thing!
Also, your use of imagery is amazing! When you described the mother running towards her children, I could really see it. The whole encounter with the dragon was great. It seemed very much like how villagers might react to something like that --putting a table in front of a door when the dragon could easily burn the house down and tear it down if they don't breath fire. What is the table going to do? People do irrational things to try to stay safe all the time and you really captured that!
Lastly, I the images used on your website really go along with the story! They give me a nice feel of where this story is taking place.
I'm from Laura's Indian Epics class, so for this week I thought I'd read one of the Myth-Folklore storybooks, and I was glad I chose yours!
Starting at your introduction, I was already drawn in and I don't even have any background on these characters! Your use of imagery is fantastic and you really set the tone for the story. There's so many directions you could go now that you have Will narrating this tale to Violet, and that's really powerful! I have a perfect picture painted in my head of Violet and Will sitting atop the hill, wasting the day away.
Your next story was just as much of a treat! Again, the imagery is fantastic. I really enjoyed the perspective switches throughout the story, it helps show the character of the dragon and the havoc he is wreaking on the town. I thought it was clever how you came back to Will and Violet because it was a reminder that this was a story being told by a boy trying to impress a girl!
I hope to be able to come back and see where this goes, because you're doing a great job!
I really appreciate that you have an Author’s Note right on the front page. It helps to locate the story and explain to the reader where you’re coming from and what you’re trying to do. Also, how creative to have the “Comment Wall” button!
With regard to the Introduction, I think that there’s some really good dialogue here that explains the characters. That being said, I think that the Introduction could benefit from an expansion. Where do Violet and Will come from? Are they dating? Are they just having a fun picnic? Does the uncle have any explicit link to the story? I realize that you may address these later in the story, but the Introduction itself feels a little barren in terms of detail.
Part II’s point of view is particularly effective, but I feel like I’m a little lost as I move directly out of the Introduction. Where did Violet and Will go? Love these little paragraph breaks though. They add a nice touch. Ahhhh now I get it… he’s telling her the story. I’d include something in the beginning of Part II to indicate to the reader that Will is speaking.
I’m interested to see what role Will and Violet play in the larger narrative.
I am so impressed by your writing. Honestly, I thought I was reading something that was written professionally. The immense amount of detail that you included in your introduction is amazing. I could imagine every character and place that you mentioned. Your introduction is definitely reader-friendly, which makes it easy to read and follow along with. The introduction was a fabulous way to develop your story and set the readers up to understand what direction your storybook was headed.
I spoke too soon - the amount of detail in your story is even more impressive. I'm serious, you could make a film out of the pure detail in this story. I love your descriptions of the little boys and the frightening storm that moved into the country. Similar to the introduction, you left the story off on a place that is great to start up your next story. This will definitely draw in your readers to come back for the second story.
I don't really have any negative critiques of your storybook. I think it looks amazing so far. Good luck on the rest and I look forward to reading your next story!
Hey Haley! First of all, I just wanted to say you have done a really great job creating your story book and creating the two stories that are in it. I can definitely tell that you have put in a lot of work to make sure that the site makes sense as well as is appealing to the readers. I really enjoyed reading both part one and part two of your storybook because your writing is so creative and good that I couldn't stop reading. I really enjoy all the imagery and creative you use in your stories. That is something that I really need to work on. Also, I think your introduction is very informative and leaves the reader knowing about the general idea of the story book but is left wanting to dig in and read more. The details you provide on the characters was so vivid that I could close my eyes and picture them standing there! Overall, really great job. I am excited to read your next story.
Hey Haley, I am in the Indian Epics class this semester, and your blog was chosen for me by the randomizer. I actually read all of the stories because you have done a great job of keeping the reader curious and wanting to continue and read more. Each of the stories contains an excellent depiction of the characters and objects that play a crucial role in the story. The pictures you have chosen also help the reader create images parallel to the story. I hope later on we can learn more about the relationship between Violet and Will. Because of the introduction, I am very curious about them and keep thinking how "full circle" the story would be if we found out, in a later story, that one of them is related to Thomas or Ella. I really liked how you transitioned between the two stories because they both can stand on their own but are harmonious together. Great stories and project, good luck!
Haley, I enjoyed the layout of your stories. It provided a depth of speed that I think really benefited the writing. Some of the paragraphs were short some were long, and that messed with the speed of each part of your stories for me. I think that really helps a story feel dynamic. Each story really leads into the next, and breaking up each story to describe a different character and how they meld into the overarching story allows for a great amount of description for each character. This really made them feel real. You really managed to paint a vivid picture with your words.
Hi Haley! Coming in from Indian Epics. I am incredibly impressed with your writing. I am actually kind of sad I randomed into you before you’ve had time to finish your project; I’ll have to remember to check it out in a few months! I’ll try to give you some useful feedback but know that I had to go back to try to find stuff to nitpick; your writing is very well done. In your introduction, I like the description you provided with both Violet and Will, but it felt strange to jump between current action (wind ruffled… they climbed) to general description (Violet was… she often…). In your first story, that first paragraph is just awesome. The only thing I would watch out for is word repetition; you use the word sky a lot in the first story, and haystack/stack was a little noticeable too. Your second story had a really nice pacing to it, and I thought it was a great balance of dialogue and description. Overall, your project was an absolute pleasure to read!
Hi Haley! I'm from the Indian Epics class, and I find it such a blast to read stories from this class! I've never taken a Mythology class (outside the Indian Epics, which is much more narrow in focus), but now I wish I had. Your storytelling style is so classic and to-the-point, it was easy for even an outsider like me to understand the gist of the original story, although told through your lens. I liked that the knight - Phineas - is not exactly brave. Like you state in your author's note, he's cowardly, and a bit foul. That's an interesting twist on the Prince Charming that we get from Disney, and I'm very curious how his dragon encounter goes! Great job with your writing. I wish you the best of luck as you continue to tell this story.
I'm from the Indian Epics class. Just wanted to say what an introduction! The way it read almost made it seem like a story and the end came way too soon. I was anticipating more and boom the end was already here. I guess that's what every writer hopes for? Great job on the introduction I cannot wait to read your other stories. It looks as though you have already revised and edited your introduction. I read through it twice and could not find any grammatical errors either. Your storytelling style is very captivating and you've given me a few ideas on how to approach some of my future posts. Good luck on the rest of you stories for your project and the semester overall! Overall, your website design and layout are very nicely constructed.
Hi Haley! I really liked your introduction. I feel like it could have been a scene from a movie. I was able to picture it perfectly just from your words. Your writing really draws in the reader and I couldn’t stop reading. I loved in Part II how the father basically has a dual personality around his daughter and son-in-law. I love how he gets super angry at his son-in-law when he wakes up but then turns around and is super sweet to his daughter when he sees her. I also really liked how you make it seem like Thomas will be the knight but in the author’s note you reveal that it will in fact be Phineas. I think that if you made Thomas die atop the hill it might be too sad. You have a really good project coming along and I can’t wait to finish the rest of your stories when you are done.
Hi Haley! Your story has stuck with me, so I wanted to come back and see what else you'd added into Will's tale. I'm so impressed by your writing, you are able to easily switch between viewpoints but I never lose track of what's going on. As I mentioned before, your imagery is phenomenal and gives me a perfect picture of not only Will and Violet, but the time of the dragon as well. Phineas' attitude came through so clearly, his adoration of his daughter and disdain for her "not good enough" fiance. In your author's note, you talk about Phineas being the original knight, but I wonder if you will stick with that or have Thomas go against the dragon in the crystal armor. I see Phineas wanting to use the dragon to get rid of Thomas, but he is also arrogant so I don't know if he would be able to bear Thomas getting glory if the suit of armor did work. I'm excited to see what happens!
Hi Haley! What a unique story that you've created. While I was reading the introduction, it almost reminded me of a magic tree house book, that we probably all have read when we were younger. I like that you keep your banner image the same through out your project, but include other images at the end of the story. Have you thought about embedding images within your text? This may help readers get a more vivid picture as they are reading. Then again, your imagery and writing that you include in your stories is so precise, you may not need this. It is just a suggestion. I think I read your introduction when you first created your storybook, so I love to see how it has evolved and changed throughout the semester. You can really see your creative mind working through each story you have included. I look forward to reading more, good job on it so far! It looks so great!
Hello Haley. I am from the Indian epics class, I have been enjoying what people in the other class have been doing for their projects. I thought your project was really creative. i really liked your theme, and how you tried to continue the legacy of the dragon and the brave knight. Your introduction did a good job of introducing these characters and the theme of the project. I also liked how each part of your storybook had its own personality. Part one was really good. I liked how well you did at illustrating the scene at hand. The language of this story was very colorful. One thing that I thought was lacking was the pictures. I think that if you were able to find better pictures the stories would be improved significantly. Overall I thought your project was really good. significantly. Overall I thought your project was really good.
I enjoyed your Storybook as soon as I began reading the introduction, and found myself eager to see how the relationship between Will and Violet developed. I was somewhat disappointed not to see more of them interwoven throughout the stories that followed. While I enjoyed what you had written in your stories, I would have loved to learn what happened to Thomas and the dragon. Did he really become the tree atop the dragon’s hill? If so, what happened to Ella? I appreciate a good cliff hanger and some ambiguity in stories, but this one seems to leave several plotlines unresolved. However, I think that in order to add those details, you would have to cut back on your current level of detail to maintain word count, and your writing would lose some of what makes it great. That will definitely be a difficult choice to make, but I am excited to see what you do with it!
I read all the stories in your storybook project and thought they were excellent! I’ve noticed a trend in a lot of the storybooks I have read in this class where the pacing or connections between each individual story is somewhat off. As a result, it’s usually hard for me to get immersed in the stories I am reading. However, with yours I was fully immersed the whole time. The first part of story one set the stage for the rest of the stories wonderfully. You mentioned that you wanted to capture the plight of the townspeople in your author’s note, and I think you did an excellent job of it. You also mentioned how you wanted to add more depth to the story because the original wasn’t super detailed. I think you added an incredible amount of depth to this story. I’ve noticed that a lot of the stories I read in the Indian Epics class (particularly the Jakatas) only tell the skeleton of a story, and I’ve had a lot of fun expanding and creating details to fill out the story like you have done here. Great job!
Your storybook is one of the best I've seen in terms of creating and maintaining a compelling setting and incorporating natural dialogue into your stories! I'm a huge fan of layered stories like yours, and Will and Violet are exceptionally adorable as storytellers go. My only criticism is that in Part II, when Ella says, "We need your help," to her father, I had to re-read it a couple times. Since her father is the last person to complete an action before those words, I initially attributed the dialogue to him, which was rather confusing. Other than that, you've done an amazing job! You have a very straightforward way of describing your characters that doesn't seem like it should work, but does, and is really satisfying to read. It's definitely something I'd like to try in my own writing. I'd also like to note that your image choices are just as good as the writing, and really help build a picture of the setting. Thanks for such an enjoyable experience!
Hi Hayley! I really like your introduction story. Having your introduction focus on establishing the personality of both the storyteller and his audience is a good way to go about establishing the tone for the rest of your story, because those two characters will have the most influence over the story, in the way the storyteller decides to go about telling the story and whether the person listening will interrupt or ask questions that guide the storyteller. I'm curious to see if you're going to have the hill actually be a dragon. You mention it shifting as if it's breathing, which I read as foreshadowing of a literal dragon in the hill waking up, but it's possible I've just read too many fantasy novels. I look forward to seeing how you'll develop this story.
ReplyDeleteHello, I loved your introduction to your storybook! I like how you introduced the connection of the characters, and build an image with the words. As I was reading, I was pictured the scene you described. I also loved how you set the stage for the rest of your tales. Overall great writing. I'm eager to read the rest of your stories!
ReplyDeleteHi Haley. Your introduction is great, and your ideas for storybook sound really cool. I love that you began your introduction with Violet and Will and included the dialogue between the two characters. I really like the idea of a story within a story, so I am interested to read the story of the dragon that Will is going to tell Violet.
ReplyDeleteI am curious, did Will intentionally take Violet to this place for their picnic, and how did Will know that this was the same hill and the same tree that his uncle had told him stories about? How does he know that he picked the right hill and the right tree? Was the tree the only one standing on the hill or were there similar trees beside it? Maybe consider adding a few specific, small details about the scenery around Violent and Will. This could help the reader understand why they chose to have the picnic there. It might be helpful for creating a clear picture and idea of the setting as the audience begins to read the intro to your story.
Hi Haley! I loved your introduction to your storybook, great work! I really liked how you started with the main characters and their descriptions. I can already imagine Will and Vi on talking on the hill. I am curious though, how did Will know this hill was once a dragon and the story behind it? Did he take violet there intentionally or did he stumble upon it and remembered the story his uncle told him? Was this tree in a forest or out in the middle of a clearing? Adding this information in could pain a better picture for the reader and leave them with fewer questions! Also, i wonder if the hill only moved when Will and Vi were sitting on it or if it was always moving but they were unaware of it. Also, is the tree symbolic of anything in particular, maybe growth or new life? It does seem odd a tree was planted on top of a still breathing dragon. What if you explained the background or significance of the tree. If there isn't one, possibly adding one will add an interesting layer to the story.
ReplyDeleteHi Haley, Great start to the storybook. I like that the introduction is rooted in relatable characters. I haven't read the original story, so I'm left in suspense as to how the knight and dragon wound up as the tree and hill. I like that you gave personalities and descriptions of Will and Violet, and I think you could add more to that description. Beyond hair color I didn't have a solid mental picture of the two. That's something that could also be cool in the meat of the story; you have a great opportunity to give the knight, dragon, etc. really fleshed out personalities. On the note about Vi and Will, I really hope we get to see more of them in the rest of your storybook, maybe as they interject their thoughts or as Vi asks questions. I'm really looking forward to this one and thought you had a really creative way of kicking it off.
ReplyDeleteHey Haley! I loved your introduction a lot! It drew me in immediately because of all the dialogue between Will and Violet. I also liked the ending sentences, because it set the tone for the rest of the stories you will be creating. By having Violet start to believe in Will's story at the end of the introduction, it provides a good basis for the next story. I'm curious about how you introduce the next story and if you will have the dragon come back to life or make some sort of sign that it is alive. I was thinking of the Hobbit when I was reading this, when the dwarves went to take the kingdom back and the dragon woke up. I was also wondering if you were going to describe the backstory of how Will and Violet know each other, what their personalities are like, etc. Either way, the story will be great! :)
ReplyDeleteMaking the introduction a story of its own is interesting. It adds an element to the entire tale, being a story nested within another. I'm interested to see if you do more with Will and Violet, or if you're just using them to introduce the story. I think either option can work well.
ReplyDeleteI am curious about how you intend to retell the story about the Bisterne Dragon - will your entire project be a part of a single overarching tale, or do you intend to split off into other stories using Will and Violet as the vehicle for the transition? It definitely sounds like you intend to do the former, which makes me interested to see what you do. Telling a single story through multiple 'chapters', per se, has its own ups and downs. There's the benefit of having more room to expand upon details and tell a more complete story, but it also requires you to have defined points where you cut off one part of the story and begin the next. I look forward to seeing how you tell this tale!
Hello there Hayley. I just wanted to say that I really liked how you did your introduction. It was immediately interesting and I found myself drawn in to the story right off the bat. I hadn't read the original story yours was based off of, so I'm still wondering how everything got to how it started in the story. Adding this information in could pain a better picture for the reader and leave them with fewer questions! Also, i wonder if the hill only moved when Will and Vi were sitting on it or if it was always moving but they were unaware of it. Overall great writing. I'm eager to read the rest of your stories!
ReplyDeleteHoly crow Haley! I am so excited to keep reading this! This is the first storybook I have seen, so far, that has actual dialogue in its introduction. I love that the story is going to be told through another character as well. A story that is telling a story. Like in the Princess Bride when the grandfather is reading to the sick kid. Also, I just generally love English myths and folklore. I haven't read the original of this story, but now I am eager to. This introduction also gives off such an airy and clean vibe. The spring... the light wind.. the fact that they are laying on a blanket on a hill, enjoying a picnic. Its just nice overall! The setting is awesome. I really can't wait to see the dynamics between Will and Violet as well, while he is telling her this story. Great work, Haley. I will be following this story.
ReplyDeleteHi Haley! You have a big strength in using imagery in your writing. I could picture the looks on the character's faces and the setting, which is very difficult to do as a writer. Like someone above said, I loved that you utilized dialogue right away. This made me really intrigued in the character's thoughts, which is important. I hadn't read the original story before reading yours, so a more detailed author's note could be one way of improving the story. Are all of your stories going to be similar to this one? If so, you could add an ending transition sentence that prefaces the next story. And if not, then a foreshadowing to the next story could be fun for readers to follow. On my storybook, I included an author's preface on the home page, which explained my motives in the story so that people wouldn't ask what I'm asking you right now! That could be an idea, so that comments are more useful for you. Overall, great work!
ReplyDeleteHi Haley! I really like the picture you have as your banner. I have always liked big trees with branches going everywhere and with moss growing all over it. The introduction really sets a tone for how the story is going to be told. Changing the story from first person to third person is something I have grown to like throughout this class. It brings in a new perspective that was not there to begin with. The introduction drew me in almost immediately and made me want to read more. I am really looking forward to reading your first story when it comes out! The flirty interactions between the two characters really tells how this story is going to go. I think that Will will be trying to impress Vi while telling the story and be adding extra details to get her engrossed into the story. I am excited to see how you change up the first story.
ReplyDeleteReading the second installment of your project was quite a treat! I came back because I needed to see where you were going to go with your story next, and I am liking it so far. I appreciate your use of section cuts. When you were telling the story of the villagers and then pulled it back out to Will and Vi talking with each other, it gave me a chance to be like "Oh yeah! This story is being told by Will." Because the story is interesting, it was easy to forget that. That is a good thing!
ReplyDeleteAlso, your use of imagery is amazing! When you described the mother running towards her children, I could really see it. The whole encounter with the dragon was great. It seemed very much like how villagers might react to something like that --putting a table in front of a door when the dragon could easily burn the house down and tear it down if they don't breath fire. What is the table going to do? People do irrational things to try to stay safe all the time and you really captured that!
Lastly, I the images used on your website really go along with the story! They give me a nice feel of where this story is taking place.
Hi Haley!
ReplyDeleteI'm from Laura's Indian Epics class, so for this week I thought I'd read one of the Myth-Folklore storybooks, and I was glad I chose yours!
Starting at your introduction, I was already drawn in and I don't even have any background on these characters! Your use of imagery is fantastic and you really set the tone for the story. There's so many directions you could go now that you have Will narrating this tale to Violet, and that's really powerful! I have a perfect picture painted in my head of Violet and Will sitting atop the hill, wasting the day away.
Your next story was just as much of a treat! Again, the imagery is fantastic. I really enjoyed the perspective switches throughout the story, it helps show the character of the dragon and the havoc he is wreaking on the town. I thought it was clever how you came back to Will and Violet because it was a reminder that this was a story being told by a boy trying to impress a girl!
I hope to be able to come back and see where this goes, because you're doing a great job!
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ReplyDeleteI really appreciate that you have an Author’s Note right on the front page. It helps to locate the story and explain to the reader where you’re coming from and what you’re trying to do. Also, how creative to have the “Comment Wall” button!
ReplyDeleteWith regard to the Introduction, I think that there’s some really good dialogue here that explains the characters. That being said, I think that the Introduction could benefit from an expansion. Where do Violet and Will come from? Are they dating? Are they just having a fun picnic? Does the uncle have any explicit link to the story? I realize that you may address these later in the story, but the Introduction itself feels a little barren in terms of detail.
Part II’s point of view is particularly effective, but I feel like I’m a little lost as I move directly out of the Introduction. Where did Violet and Will go? Love these little paragraph breaks though. They add a nice touch. Ahhhh now I get it… he’s telling her the story. I’d include something in the beginning of Part II to indicate to the reader that Will is speaking.
I’m interested to see what role Will and Violet play in the larger narrative.
Hi Haley!
ReplyDeleteI am so impressed by your writing. Honestly, I thought I was reading something that was written professionally. The immense amount of detail that you included in your introduction is amazing. I could imagine every character and place that you mentioned. Your introduction is definitely reader-friendly, which makes it easy to read and follow along with. The introduction was a fabulous way to develop your story and set the readers up to understand what direction your storybook was headed.
I spoke too soon - the amount of detail in your story is even more impressive. I'm serious, you could make a film out of the pure detail in this story. I love your descriptions of the little boys and the frightening storm that moved into the country. Similar to the introduction, you left the story off on a place that is great to start up your next story. This will definitely draw in your readers to come back for the second story.
I don't really have any negative critiques of your storybook. I think it looks amazing so far. Good luck on the rest and I look forward to reading your next story!
Hey Haley! First of all, I just wanted to say you have done a really great job creating your story book and creating the two stories that are in it. I can definitely tell that you have put in a lot of work to make sure that the site makes sense as well as is appealing to the readers. I really enjoyed reading both part one and part two of your storybook because your writing is so creative and good that I couldn't stop reading. I really enjoy all the imagery and creative you use in your stories. That is something that I really need to work on. Also, I think your introduction is very informative and leaves the reader knowing about the general idea of the story book but is left wanting to dig in and read more. The details you provide on the characters was so vivid that I could close my eyes and picture them standing there! Overall, really great job. I am excited to read your next story.
ReplyDeleteHey Haley, I am in the Indian Epics class this semester, and your blog was chosen for me by the randomizer. I actually read all of the stories because you have done a great job of keeping the reader curious and wanting to continue and read more. Each of the stories contains an excellent depiction of the characters and objects that play a crucial role in the story. The pictures you have chosen also help the reader create images parallel to the story. I hope later on we can learn more about the relationship between Violet and Will. Because of the introduction, I am very curious about them and keep thinking how "full circle" the story would be if we found out, in a later story, that one of them is related to Thomas or Ella. I really liked how you transitioned between the two stories because they both can stand on their own but are harmonious together. Great stories and project, good luck!
ReplyDeleteHaley, I enjoyed the layout of your stories. It provided a depth of speed that I think really benefited the writing. Some of the paragraphs were short some were long, and that messed with the speed of each part of your stories for me. I think that really helps a story feel dynamic. Each story really leads into the next, and breaking up each story to describe a different character and how they meld into the overarching story allows for a great amount of description for each character. This really made them feel real. You really managed to paint a vivid picture with your words.
ReplyDeleteHi Haley! Coming in from Indian Epics. I am incredibly impressed with your writing. I am actually kind of sad I randomed into you before you’ve had time to finish your project; I’ll have to remember to check it out in a few months! I’ll try to give you some useful feedback but know that I had to go back to try to find stuff to nitpick; your writing is very well done. In your introduction, I like the description you provided with both Violet and Will, but it felt strange to jump between current action (wind ruffled… they climbed) to general description (Violet was… she often…). In your first story, that first paragraph is just awesome. The only thing I would watch out for is word repetition; you use the word sky a lot in the first story, and haystack/stack was a little noticeable too. Your second story had a really nice pacing to it, and I thought it was a great balance of dialogue and description. Overall, your project was an absolute pleasure to read!
ReplyDeleteHi Haley! I'm from the Indian Epics class, and I find it such a blast to read stories from this class! I've never taken a Mythology class (outside the Indian Epics, which is much more narrow in focus), but now I wish I had. Your storytelling style is so classic and to-the-point, it was easy for even an outsider like me to understand the gist of the original story, although told through your lens. I liked that the knight - Phineas - is not exactly brave. Like you state in your author's note, he's cowardly, and a bit foul. That's an interesting twist on the Prince Charming that we get from Disney, and I'm very curious how his dragon encounter goes! Great job with your writing. I wish you the best of luck as you continue to tell this story.
ReplyDeleteHi Haley!
ReplyDeleteI'm from the Indian Epics class. Just wanted to say what an introduction! The way it read almost made it seem like a story and the end came way too soon. I was anticipating more and boom the end was already here. I guess that's what every writer hopes for? Great job on the introduction I cannot wait to read your other stories. It looks as though you have already revised and edited your introduction. I read through it twice and could not find any grammatical errors either. Your storytelling style is very captivating and you've given me a few ideas on how to approach some of my future posts. Good luck on the rest of you stories for your project and the semester overall!
Overall, your website design and layout are very nicely constructed.
Hi Haley! I really liked your introduction. I feel like it could have been a scene from a movie. I was able to picture it perfectly just from your words. Your writing really draws in the reader and I couldn’t stop reading. I loved in Part II how the father basically has a dual personality around his daughter and son-in-law. I love how he gets super angry at his son-in-law when he wakes up but then turns around and is super sweet to his daughter when he sees her. I also really liked how you make it seem like Thomas will be the knight but in the author’s note you reveal that it will in fact be Phineas. I think that if you made Thomas die atop the hill it might be too sad. You have a really good project coming along and I can’t wait to finish the rest of your stories when you are done.
ReplyDeleteHi Haley! Your story has stuck with me, so I wanted to come back and see what else you'd added into Will's tale. I'm so impressed by your writing, you are able to easily switch between viewpoints but I never lose track of what's going on. As I mentioned before, your imagery is phenomenal and gives me a perfect picture of not only Will and Violet, but the time of the dragon as well. Phineas' attitude came through so clearly, his adoration of his daughter and disdain for her "not good enough" fiance. In your author's note, you talk about Phineas being the original knight, but I wonder if you will stick with that or have Thomas go against the dragon in the crystal armor. I see Phineas wanting to use the dragon to get rid of Thomas, but he is also arrogant so I don't know if he would be able to bear Thomas getting glory if the suit of armor did work. I'm excited to see what happens!
ReplyDeleteHi Haley! What a unique story that you've created. While I was reading the introduction, it almost reminded me of a magic tree house book, that we probably all have read when we were younger. I like that you keep your banner image the same through out your project, but include other images at the end of the story. Have you thought about embedding images within your text? This may help readers get a more vivid picture as they are reading. Then again, your imagery and writing that you include in your stories is so precise, you may not need this. It is just a suggestion. I think I read your introduction when you first created your storybook, so I love to see how it has evolved and changed throughout the semester. You can really see your creative mind working through each story you have included. I look forward to reading more, good job on it so far! It looks so great!
ReplyDeleteHello Haley. I am from the Indian epics class, I have been enjoying what people in the other class have been doing for their projects. I thought your project was really creative. i really liked your theme, and how you tried to continue the legacy of the dragon and the brave knight. Your introduction did a good job of introducing these characters and the theme of the project. I also liked how each part of your storybook had its own personality. Part one was really good. I liked how well you did at illustrating the scene at hand. The language of this story was very colorful. One thing that I thought was lacking was the pictures. I think that if you were able to find better pictures the stories would be improved significantly. Overall I thought your project was really good. significantly. Overall I thought your project was really good.
ReplyDeleteHi, Haley!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your Storybook as soon as I began reading the introduction, and found myself eager to see how the relationship between Will and Violet developed. I was somewhat disappointed not to see more of them interwoven throughout the stories that followed. While I enjoyed what you had written in your stories, I would have loved to learn what happened to Thomas and the dragon. Did he really become the tree atop the dragon’s hill? If so, what happened to Ella? I appreciate a good cliff hanger and some ambiguity in stories, but this one seems to leave several plotlines unresolved. However, I think that in order to add those details, you would have to cut back on your current level of detail to maintain word count, and your writing would lose some of what makes it great. That will definitely be a difficult choice to make, but I am excited to see what you do with it!
Hey Haley,
ReplyDeleteI read all the stories in your storybook project and thought they were excellent! I’ve noticed a trend in a lot of the storybooks I have read in this class where the pacing or connections between each individual story is somewhat off. As a result, it’s usually hard for me to get immersed in the stories I am reading. However, with yours I was fully immersed the whole time. The first part of story one set the stage for the rest of the stories wonderfully. You mentioned that you wanted to capture the plight of the townspeople in your author’s note, and I think you did an excellent job of it. You also mentioned how you wanted to add more depth to the story because the original wasn’t super detailed. I think you added an incredible amount of depth to this story. I’ve noticed that a lot of the stories I read in the Indian Epics class (particularly the Jakatas) only tell the skeleton of a story, and I’ve had a lot of fun expanding and creating details to fill out the story like you have done here. Great job!
Hi Haley!
ReplyDeleteYour storybook is one of the best I've seen in terms of creating and maintaining a compelling setting and incorporating natural dialogue into your stories! I'm a huge fan of layered stories like yours, and Will and Violet are exceptionally adorable as storytellers go. My only criticism is that in Part II, when Ella says, "We need your help," to her father, I had to re-read it a couple times. Since her father is the last person to complete an action before those words, I initially attributed the dialogue to him, which was rather confusing. Other than that, you've done an amazing job! You have a very straightforward way of describing your characters that doesn't seem like it should work, but does, and is really satisfying to read. It's definitely something I'd like to try in my own writing. I'd also like to note that your image choices are just as good as the writing, and really help build a picture of the setting. Thanks for such an enjoyable experience!